“Screw it – YOLO” – the moment of clarity in a lifetime of anxiety.

Disclaimer – I have been up all night so I apologise in advance.

I’ve noticed that sometimes I have two reactions to something. The first is painfully familiar – it’s the anxiety disorder screaming at me. It goes something like this, only even less coherent (if you can imagine that):

I CAN’T OH MY GOD, I CAN’T TELL YOU WHY NOT BUT OH MY LIFE THIS WILL LITERALLY END MY EXISTENCE, I JUST CANNOT OKAY, DON’T MAKE ME DO THIS, I AM SO GOD DAMN SCARED AND EVERYTHING WILL GO WRONG AND EVERYONE WILL HATE ME AND THINK I’M PATHETIC GOD I’M A MESS I HATE MYSELF AND I-

I unfortunately listen to this quite a lot, it kills my confidence and esteem, makes me shrink, causes me to speak quietly and only when spoken to, makes me feel useless and like a nuisance. It inhibits me a lot in my everyday life and stops me from doing things I probably could do, just by convincing me that I probably couldn’t.

And sometimes, not always, but sometimes, this second reaction kicks in. It sort of bitch slaps the panicking Becca into silence and just says:

β€œScrew it – YOLO.”

It doesn’t justify itself, doesn’t try to rationalise itself any more than the hysterical anxiety reaction does. I suppose it doesn’t have to. The fear is still there, the panic, the dread, the anxiety. But this voice stubbornly insists that I persist anyway, even if for no other reason than that my existence on this planet is already too short and I have frittered away enough time on being scared and avoiding things.

As I cast my sleep-deprived mind back, this second reaction got me to start singing, to start posting songs online, to audition for things, to get up on stage for the first time (and the second, and the third, and so on), got me from being terrified of public speaking to teaching classes, eventually got me working in a field I never imagined I’d end up in – and staying there even when I struggled so much initially that I became unwell. Basically every major, life-changing thing that has happened to me, happened because of this second reaction (and my decision to go with that over the old faithful anxiety reaction).

I often question this second reaction and think it’s crazy, or misguided, or foolish. But I never question that first reaction in the same way because I am so used to my mental health issues that I believe them and trust them, and take them to be truth. Those β€œYOLO” moments feel alien and unfamiliar because for a brief moment I’m not anxiety-ridden Becca. I still may not exactly believe that I can do whatever it is, but for a brief moment I don’t NOT believe that I can. I decide to find out, and – importantly – I decide it doesn’t really matter what the result is.

For a moment I’m the Becca that I dream of being.

And then I realize that I am that Becca. She is me, I am her. I just stifle her. Perhaps if I listen to the YOLO reaction more, I can be her more of the time. Perhaps then I’ll also find a healthy middle ground between crippling fear and reckless abandon.

But first, I think, I must find sleep.

February Album Update!

I just had a really awesome day in the studio working on 2 new tracks for the album! I now have studio-recorded demos for 6 self-composed (English) songs for my album. We’re still working on the arrangements and are going to get drums etc properly recorded before vocalling them, but they’re well on their way and I’m so excited about all of them!
My plans have changed and I’m now planning to release a full-length English language album rather than an EP – I’m continuing to write and hope to finish 12 solid tracks for the release (I’ll probably release the Japanese tracks as a standalone single or EP, depending on whether I pitch any of the songs).

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I *love* being in the studio, can you tell!?

Honestly… I’ve been a cover singer for such a long time I was really nervous about writing my own album from scratch. But hearing the songs begin to take shape and come to life I’m realising this album might actually be something way beyond anything I’d imagined. I can’t wait for you to hear it, although it’ll be a little while yet. When it drops it will be available on iTunes, and also as a physical release. More details will be revealed nearer the time, I’ll keep you posted! πŸ˜€

Oh, and I won that Best International Artist award at the Basingstoke Music Awards, and also performed two of the songs from my upcoming album! πŸ™‚ Look out for more updates in March ^__^

I got 2nd place vocal (μš°μˆ˜μƒ) at the Grand Final of KWF 2015!!

Edit: the video is now available! You can watch here πŸ˜€

First of all – apologies for the lack of updates and vlogs, it has been SO hectic! In summary: the whole trip to Korea was an absolutely out of this world, unforgettable experience and if you sing or dance you should absolutely go for it next year! It’s so, so worth it πŸ™‚

After a shaky start to my trip (I became sick and lost my voice so I had to visit the doctor and even got put on an IV drip!) I had a great time with the other contestants, and got to see and experience many awesome things in Seoul and Changwon. We went to SMTOWN artium, had dinner with GOT7, went cycling through the mountains in Changwon, and ate SO much food once my appetite returned xD

When we arrived at the stadium everyone screamed when they saw the stage! It was so big and just looked incredible, a few people cried in that moment because the reality finally hit them. We had a few rehearsals before the main show, it was my first time performing with earpieces and it seemed very strange! I was completely deaf except for the feed coming through the earphones.

I performed If (λ§Œμ•½μ—) by Girls’ Generation’s leader Taeyeon at the grand final. It was really nerve-wracking as almost all of the other acts were dancing (and most were in groups as well), whereas I was standing alone on that huge stage singing a ballad. But I really enjoyed it, and in spite of not feeling 100% I did my best and went for the high note that I had avoided in the rehearsals. It’s a higher note than Taeyeon normally sings at that point and my throat had been so bad that I didn’t risk it before. But on the night, it worked perfectly πŸ™‚

I was shocked and thrilled to get the 2nd place vocal award (μš°μˆ˜μƒ / best performance) after all that had happened! I received a glass trophy (similar to the music bank ones) and a cheque for 3,000,000 SKW as prize money. I was sad to come home, but the contestants have made a facebook group where we are all sharing our photos, videos and tears hahaha β™₯β™₯β™₯


I still kind of feel like I dreamed it, it’s all so surreal and beyond anything I ever imagined. After 10 years my dream of performing in Korea came true, and on a bigger stage and in a much bigger way than I ever imagined. This isn’t the end, though! Oh no. This has only fuelled the fire, so please continue to support me as I chase my dreams! πŸ˜€

Stay tuned for the high quality videos once they are released by KBS! The festival airs on KBS2 on November 15th and the behind the scenes documentary ‘Global Youth Dream of K-pop’ will follow on the 18th – both will later be uploaded to the KBS World Youtube channel so you can see all of my adventures (and misadventures!) with the other participants from around the world! ^__^

[Vlog] 2005 – 2015: 10 Years of Dreaming

10 years in 10 minutes! Before I fly out to Korea I wanted to share my 10-year journey up to this point πŸ™‚ It’s been a massive adventure and I feel like everything I’ve experienced has been preparing me for this opportunity. I managed to dig up old photos and footage and went on a real nostalgia trip making this. I hope you like it πŸ™‚ Subscribe for vlogs from Changwon! πŸ˜€ *excited* 25 DAYS TO GO!!

I’m going to perform to 25,000 people in KBS’ K-pop World Festival 2015!!!

After months of waiting and hoping, the big announcement was made on September 22nd and… I’ve been selected to go to Changwon!!!

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I’m representing the UK and KBS has changed my song to Taeyeon’s If (λ§Œμ•½μ—). I’ll be flown out for just over a week and perform on October 30th at the massive grand final in Changwon, sharing the stage with well known acts including Ailee, SHINee, 4Minute, AOA, BTS, Red Velvet and VIXX. I can’t believe it and I can’t wait to get there – I’ve been trying to make my dream come true for 10 years and now I will finally be able to perform in Korea, on a bigger stage than I ever dared to dream of. Watch this space for more updates!

If you feel like watching me ramble about my feels, here is the first of the series of vlogs I’m planning to do about the festival πŸ™‚

Vlog 4: KBS, The Voice, EP, K-pop Girl Group auditions!

I’ve had an incredible 6 months! I’ve finally finished re-vocalling my entire EP into English (I originally wrote it all in Japanese) so it’s ready to be mixed and fired off to publishers, record labels, and other spiffing contacts that Darren Martyn has! Good luck to Darren as he finishes up the mixes, I hope we get a great response to the songs! We’ve worked really hard on them and I think they sound awesome! πŸ˜€

I posted already about KBS but I speak more in depth here about the experience, the reasons for my song choice etc. I’m also in an audition process for a K-pop girl group. This is the last online round – after this they’re picking people to go to Korea!!! Fingers firmly crossed and hoping that I’m offered a spot! Also waiting to find out if I’ll get a callback from The Voice, and obviously for a final judgement from the KBS judges. So much anticipation!!!